Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

The Onion and the Elias Sports Bureau nail down the best player in the Steroid Era of baseball.  Personally, I would have gone with David Eckstein, but they’re the Onion, so what are you going to do second guess them?