How about the fact that a person can enter whatever they want for a score with zero oversight?  Maybe that might be the bigger loophole?  Try this the next time you’re at the course:  gaze past the underage girls operating the beer carts, the disgruntled suspicious dude picking up the range balls (my first job), into the club house, between the dipshits letting us all know how great Tiger is every time he’s shown on the big screen, and you just might notice a very large elephant that no one else sees…or at least they pretend not to.  And now, instead of handing in a scorecard signed by several people to another human in the clubhouse (like in the ol’ days), a person can now enter their score at a kiosk….by their lonesome. 

Imagine this:  as thousands of people enter their numbers after a round, a select few stumble across the notion that they can be whatever handicap they want.  It’s like the problem you might get if you left a group of 4-year olds unattended in a room with a big clear jar of Oreos in the middle.  Sooner or later… 

And if they can be whatever handicap they want, why not inflate that number so that when they play in local tournaments (basically the only reason to have a handicap) they have a better chance of winning prize money?   I couldn’t help but wonder that as I gazed at the leader board at a tournament I just played in.  “59” read one of the “net” scores.  For you non-golfers, a “net” score is the score obtained by taking the player’s actual score and subtracting their handicap.  Again, generally that number should be about even par (say 72 or so).  So, shooting a 59 is basically playing 13 strokes below your average.  13 strokes.  When was the last time Tiger Woods, a 0 handicap from what I hear, shot a 59?  Phil Mickelson?  This dude basically, got out bed, pissed excellence that particular morning, threw on a faded pair of navy dockers, hopped into his ‘91 Volkswagon Rabbit, and proceeded to play better (relatively) than every professional golfer in the world. 

Granted he’s not playing on Augusta National.  And, maybe he’s just a “gamer,” a golfer savant, who never got his shot at the big time?  Yeah that’s it, he’s a quiet, low-key dude who prefers Blue Ribbon, co-ed softball, the 9-5 shift at Lloyd Lumber, and weekend tourneys at the local municipal over the hassle of the PGA.  Then again, if that’s so, why is he a freakin’ 19-handicap?  Or just maybe, er…uh…I don’t know how to say this USGA…but maybe he’s a dirtball cheater?  Maybe that number I paid 50 bucks for isn’t based on reality. 

But hey, I’ll live with it.  I’ll keep entering my legit scores while this dude rounds up to the nearest zero, or double-zero, as the case may be.  And he can go on and use his winnings to buy that alligator head cover that he’s had his eyes on.  All that I ask is that he doesn’t smile when he picks up that gift certificate.  That he doesn’t gloat or try to shake my hand.  That he doesn’t kick back in the clubhouse and tell us about how lucky he got when he holed those 3 putts in a row for birdie.  How he never missed a fairway…and he never does that!  That he just takes his money, gets back in the Rabbit, and rides quietly into the sunset.  At least extend us all that still abide truthfully by the handicap system that courtesy.

H. R.

When Luke Walton wins an NBA championship, you know it hasn’t been a good year in sports.

Ages ago, a fashion star named Rick Fox played for the LA Lakers. Like Walton, he was extremely self-important, and kind of good, yet an absolute hack at the same time. When Rick Fox retired, we thought it was the end of a kind-of-good-but-yet-an-arrogant-hack era for LA Lakers role players, but Luke Walton dashed that dream for all of us. 

That’s why the Onion has saluted Kobe Bryant – Kobe is the only NBA player in history to win a championship with Luke Walton on his team! Never thought I’d say this, but congrats Kobe!

Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

One casual acquaintance of Andersen, who wished to remain anonymous, said the Birdman’s been focusing his off-season efforts into taking the Denver Nuggets to the NBA title on his X-Box 360 version of NBA Live 2009.

“He was really devastated by the loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, so I think this is a bit of redemption for him.”

“He’s really been logging some hours.  I think the virtual Birdman’s been averaging a triple double during the playoffs.”

“It’s pretty impressive actually.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

I’ll preface this by saying I love Larry “freaking” King.  And I enjoyed his excerpted yarn about winning $8,000 bucks at the track back in 1971.

And I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he did actually win at the track, even though the filly he says he bet big on never actually won a race.

Well, until it turned out the filly wasn’t alive in 1971 and Calder, the track he was supposedly at, didn’t offer trifecta wagering in 1971.

Ah, who am I kidding. This is just an excuse to show Larry King dancing.  You’re welcome.

I’m no rocket scientist, but it seems like it would be common sense for the gallery to stand *behind* any non-golf, sports star who’s about to tee off in a celebrity or pro-am tournament.

Especially one who has a well documented history of being as poor a golfer as Charles Barkley.

Especially if you’ve got your frickin’ kid with you.

(via Al and Big Lead)

Wally Backman’s masterful rant got me in the mood to dig up Tommy Lasorda’s eloquent response to the accusation that, as manager of the Dodgers, he was telling his pitchers to throw at various Padres.

NSFW due to profanity-laced wittiness.  Enjoy.

(NSFW due to sublime use of profanity.)

Currently the manager for the South Georgia Peanuts, Backman is widely know for his days with the NY Mets.  Here’s his bio for those who can’t quite place him.

We missed f*cking megasigns.

(Via With Leather)

Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.