Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

The anonymous source gave the Zephyr an exclusive glimpse at the performance review.

Positive Attributes:

Has a great arm.

Community involvement.

Verbal sparring with Philip Rivers

Potential:

Has great potential. Not as much as Matt Cassel, but still pretty good.

Needed Performance Improvement:

Returning coaches’ text messages

Adapting well to change

Maintaining a positive attitude when under stress

Happy to be here

Being okay with the coaches going behind his back to try swap him for a QB he considers inferior

Throwing into triple coverage while rolling out to his right

Read more news satire at News Grift.

This is Pedro Olivia, kayaker.  Soon to be known as Pedro Olivia, kayaker who jumped off 127 foot Salto Belo falls in Brazil.

I know he’s Brazilian, but this just makes me want to chant U-S-A, U-S-A.

(via con leather)

I’ve always wondered if Jimmy Johnson is a mean drunk and it’s nice to have that lingering doubt put to rest.

Unfortunately, they don’t have these archived in the Library of Congress, but the Drunk Athlete site does a pretty good job chronicling these Golden Gods.

Excerpted from the Springfield Beacon:

Close associates of Simpson say that he’s still quite angry over having lost control of the controlling interest in the team.  One such associate, who preferred to remain nameless, said:

“What happened to Homer ain’t right.  He put his time in with Hank Scorpio and the Globex Corporation and rightly deserved that sorry sack of a football team.  I mean, jeez, just ’cause Homer supported the Springfield Monorail means the Bowlens can put a lien against the team?  Doesn’t make sense to me, but (Lionel) Hutz told Homer he doesn’t have a case.”

“Now are you going to order something or what?”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

According to Rick Reilly in his latest column.  Read it here.

And I only say allegedly, because I’m still mad that the Broncos shareholders swindled Homer Simpson out of his controlling interest.

How is that Elway’s fault?

This interview’s over.

Aw, the Denver Broncos!?!

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An unnamed source close to Kurt Warner said that the Cardinal star quarterback was planning an “epic” thank you to his Lord and Savior had Phoenix pulled off the upset.  The source elaborated:

“I was pulling for him, obviously, because I’m his friend, but I’m also really bummed that he wasn’t able to recite his epic tribute to the Lord.  That would have been five minutes of passionate Christian testimonial and, equally as compelling, five minutes of the secular, sideline reporter looking dumbfounded.”

“Shoot.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

MJD over at Shutdown Corner sums it up nicely.  I will add that Santonio Holmes has the look of a man who’s had a pretty good day.

For all you Hochuholics, rumor has it his day consisted of a nice brunch at the Club, a 45 minute workout at the gym and, by all accounts, a very pleasant Super Bowl party over at his neighbor’s house.

FYI, probably a much nicer day than Terry McAulay will wind up having refereeing the Super Bowl.

(Photo)