Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

One casual acquaintance of Andersen, who wished to remain anonymous, said the Birdman’s been focusing his off-season efforts into taking the Denver Nuggets to the NBA title on his X-Box 360 version of NBA Live 2009.

“He was really devastated by the loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, so I think this is a bit of redemption for him.”

“He’s really been logging some hours.  I think the virtual Birdman’s been averaging a triple double during the playoffs.”

“It’s pretty impressive actually.”

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Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

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Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

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Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

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Excerpted from the Miami Sunspot:

An assistant to the FIU Athletic Director expressed his excitement at the hiring.

“We couldn’t be more excited that NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas is joining the coaching ranks for the first time ever at our fine southern Florida institution.  We’re absolutely giddy about it.”

When told that Thomas had coached previously with the Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks of the NBA, several administrative members of the school looked puzzled.  Briefly speechless, the assistant stepped up to the microphone and put the matter to rest.

“We weren’t aware of that, but I’m sure he did a great job at those previous coaching stops and we look forward to him taking our program to the next level.”

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Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

The anonymous source gave the Zephyr an exclusive glimpse at the performance review.

Positive Attributes:

Has a great arm.

Community involvement.

Verbal sparring with Philip Rivers

Potential:

Has great potential. Not as much as Matt Cassel, but still pretty good.

Needed Performance Improvement:

Returning coaches’ text messages

Adapting well to change

Maintaining a positive attitude when under stress

Happy to be here

Being okay with the coaches going behind his back to try swap him for a QB he considers inferior

Throwing into triple coverage while rolling out to his right

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Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An acquaintance of Nantz says he’s not coping with the separation well.

“It’s common knowledge that he’s broken down a couple of times when Packer’s been brought up in conversation.”

“I know they worked together a long time, but multiple, emotional breakdowns over Billy Packer?  Strikes me as a little odd.”

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Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

An area man that witnessed the event described it to us.

“Gosh, I had just ordered my expresso and sat down when I look up and see this geeky looking guy muttering at his laptop screen.  He started cursing about 2nd division, German soccer and PBA bowling and then he just…like…transformed or something.  Next thing I know there’s this green monster in front of me.”

“The creature screamed ‘Hulk no like Canadian women’s curling’ and then smashed his laptop to smithereens, before bounding through the wall and disappearing into the countryside.”

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Excerpted from the Springfield Beacon:

Close associates of Simpson say that he’s still quite angry over having lost control of the controlling interest in the team.  One such associate, who preferred to remain nameless, said:

“What happened to Homer ain’t right.  He put his time in with Hank Scorpio and the Globex Corporation and rightly deserved that sorry sack of a football team.  I mean, jeez, just ’cause Homer supported the Springfield Monorail means the Bowlens can put a lien against the team?  Doesn’t make sense to me, but (Lionel) Hutz told Homer he doesn’t have a case.”

“Now are you going to order something or what?”

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Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An unnamed source close to Kurt Warner said that the Cardinal star quarterback was planning an “epic” thank you to his Lord and Savior had Phoenix pulled off the upset.  The source elaborated:

“I was pulling for him, obviously, because I’m his friend, but I’m also really bummed that he wasn’t able to recite his epic tribute to the Lord.  That would have been five minutes of passionate Christian testimonial and, equally as compelling, five minutes of the secular, sideline reporter looking dumbfounded.”

“Shoot.”

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