Or, “Seriously, why are they still here?”

I would never want total amnesia. One benefit, however, would be a chance to revisit all the routine things we do and see every day and to pick out all the stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Take a basketball game, for instance…

I’m pretty sure the first thing I would question is who in the hell are these “cheerleaders” in the goofy school-colored uniforms that don’t resemble anything a female on this planet would ever wear (at least in this millennium)? How about the dudes grabbing their butts as they hoist them over their heads?…I guess I can partially make sense of that.

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Excerpted from the Miami Sunspot:

An assistant to the FIU Athletic Director expressed his excitement at the hiring.

“We couldn’t be more excited that NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas is joining the coaching ranks for the first time ever at our fine southern Florida institution.  We’re absolutely giddy about it.”

When told that Thomas had coached previously with the Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks of the NBA, several administrative members of the school looked puzzled.  Briefly speechless, the assistant stepped up to the microphone and put the matter to rest.

“We weren’t aware of that, but I’m sure he did a great job at those previous coaching stops and we look forward to him taking our program to the next level.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An acquaintance of Nantz says he’s not coping with the separation well.

“It’s common knowledge that he’s broken down a couple of times when Packer’s been brought up in conversation.”

“I know they worked together a long time, but multiple, emotional breakdowns over Billy Packer?  Strikes me as a little odd.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Billy Packer once hired a psychic to find the murder weapon in the OJ case. More and, more importantly, audio at Deadspin.

Am I the only one who’s extrapolating this into a new CBS crime-solving drama next fall?  Packer as the curmudgeon/ lead detective with Bill Raftery and Gus Johnson as his assistants.  Hilarity and serious crime sleuthing ensues…

Doug Towey, CBS sports network television executive, passed away on Wednesday.  He was directly responsible for linking “One Shining Moment” with college hoops and making all our lives a little richer.

If you’re currently drinking a 40, make sure and pour a little of it on your carpet in tribute, as you listen to the following:

(via Awful Announcing)

In an unrelated matter, Houston guard Aubrey Coleman received nine gift baskets from mysterious donors. The adjoined notes from Pullman, Corvallis and Tempe all had spelling errors.

Via: With Leather &  The Dagger

The Oregon Ducks (6-12, Pac-10 0-6 [yup, 0-6]) take a six-game losing streak into tonight’s matchup at Stanford. Relatedly, somewhere on Endor a group of Ewoks are using stone age tools and sharpened sticks to attack an Imperial Walker. Las Vegas is throwing smart money at the small, furry, bears-like creatures (-11).

The Ducks find themselves at the bottom of the Pac-10 standings looking up at Oregon State, a team that set a record last season by losing all 18 of its Pac-10 games. A feat the Ducks don’t want to match.  Michelle Obama’s other brother is not walking through that door.

What’s the problem? Leadership. The Ewoks have it and the Ducks don’t.

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