Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Or, “Seriously, why are they still here?”

I would never want total amnesia. One benefit, however, would be a chance to revisit all the routine things we do and see every day and to pick out all the stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Take a basketball game, for instance…

I’m pretty sure the first thing I would question is who in the hell are these “cheerleaders” in the goofy school-colored uniforms that don’t resemble anything a female on this planet would ever wear (at least in this millennium)? How about the dudes grabbing their butts as they hoist them over their heads?…I guess I can partially make sense of that.

(…more…)

Excerpted from the Miami Sunspot:

An assistant to the FIU Athletic Director expressed his excitement at the hiring.

“We couldn’t be more excited that NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas is joining the coaching ranks for the first time ever at our fine southern Florida institution.  We’re absolutely giddy about it.”

When told that Thomas had coached previously with the Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks of the NBA, several administrative members of the school looked puzzled.  Briefly speechless, the assistant stepped up to the microphone and put the matter to rest.

“We weren’t aware of that, but I’m sure he did a great job at those previous coaching stops and we look forward to him taking our program to the next level.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Or, “What’s waiting behind aisle #2?”

What stops an old guy from putting on his Fruit of the Looms in a gym locker room?  Too much my friends, far too much.  How many times do I have to walk into my local fitness club and witness senior porn?

Putting on their socks…in the nude.

Shaving…nude.

Checking phone messages…nuderama.

Deodorant…nuder.

Going for an additional head and groin towel-off…Old McNudald.

Big arm stretch and waist twist…Bachman-Nuder Overdrive.

(…more…)

Test subjects who on average would only last 30 seconds in the sack are now able to withstand nature’s urges for a whopping 4 minutes by using this spray and, presumably, focusing on pre-steroid era baseball stats.

Glorious performance is now at our their fingertips.

No, thank you Science.

BBC Link