Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

The anonymous source gave the Zephyr an exclusive glimpse at the performance review.

Positive Attributes:

Has a great arm.

Community involvement.

Verbal sparring with Philip Rivers

Potential:

Has great potential. Not as much as Matt Cassel, but still pretty good.

Needed Performance Improvement:

Returning coaches’ text messages

Adapting well to change

Maintaining a positive attitude when under stress

Happy to be here

Being okay with the coaches going behind his back to try swap him for a QB he considers inferior

Throwing into triple coverage while rolling out to his right

Read more news satire at News Grift.

NeoSabonis will be doing a live-tweet of the Blazers - Jazz game tonight.  All the Deron Williams/Brandon Roy goodness starts at 7PM Pacific time and can be found at the link below:

http://twitter.com/neosabonis

Attention NBA bigshots: David Stern is listening to your tweets, and he’s not happy!

David Stern’s NBA has long been known for nailing any league employee who questions a referee’s calls  (or pretty much anything else having to do with the NBA).  Usually the perpetrator slips up during a post-game interview, and that slip-up comes out in print or on television. But this time it happened on Twitter, courtesy of basketball mastermind Marc Cuban:

how do they not call a tech on JR Smith for coming off the bench to taunt our player on the ground ?

But Cuban isn’t the only NBA personality to get carried away with Twitter during a game. Milwaukee Bucks forward Charlie Villanueva tweeted at halftime during a huge victory over the Celtics. A few days later, Phoenix Suns center and former rap star, Shaquille O’Neal, aka @the_real_shaq, followed suit, cleverly shushing the entire Twitterverse at the 3rd quarter break of a game versus Washington.

Shaq of course received no punishment or rebuke of anykind…nothing – just like when he used to body slam my cousin Arvydas during the NBA playoffs, using nothing but his ginormous rear. The absence of any punishment was as Shaq predicted:

Attention all twitterers I’m a tweet at halftime and not get fined like vill a new wave a whteva his name is

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An acquaintance of Nantz says he’s not coping with the separation well.

“It’s common knowledge that he’s broken down a couple of times when Packer’s been brought up in conversation.”

“I know they worked together a long time, but multiple, emotional breakdowns over Billy Packer?  Strikes me as a little odd.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

This story about the “Tim Tebow Plaque” is neither new or very interesting, but I’m outraged that Tim Tebow has received this honor before alumni like Nobel Prize winning chemist Robert Grubbs or David freakin’ Eckstein.

Well, maybe just surprised.

(via Big Lead)

This has nothing to do with sports, but I’m a big fan of pure, unadulterated joy.

This is Pedro Olivia, kayaker.  Soon to be known as Pedro Olivia, kayaker who jumped off 127 foot Salto Belo falls in Brazil.

I know he’s Brazilian, but this just makes me want to chant U-S-A, U-S-A.

(via con leather)

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

An area man that witnessed the event described it to us.

“Gosh, I had just ordered my expresso and sat down when I look up and see this geeky looking guy muttering at his laptop screen.  He started cursing about 2nd division, German soccer and PBA bowling and then he just…like…transformed or something.  Next thing I know there’s this green monster in front of me.”

“The creature screamed ‘Hulk no like Canadian women’s curling’ and then smashed his laptop to smithereens, before bounding through the wall and disappearing into the countryside.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Don’t worry, it’s cool.  The guy who’s face is contorted like Fire Marshall Bill only suffered a broken rib.  You’re free to chuckle and guffaw at his misfortune and the other dude’s amazing confidence that he and his beer are out of harm’s way.

Billy Packer once hired a psychic to find the murder weapon in the OJ case. More and, more importantly, audio at Deadspin.

Am I the only one who’s extrapolating this into a new CBS crime-solving drama next fall?  Packer as the curmudgeon/ lead detective with Bill Raftery and Gus Johnson as his assistants.  Hilarity and serious crime sleuthing ensues…