The Oregon Ducks (6-12, Pac-10 0-6 [yup, 0-6]) take a six-game losing streak into tonight’s matchup at Stanford. Relatedly, somewhere on Endor a group of Ewoks are using stone age tools and sharpened sticks to attack an Imperial Walker. Las Vegas is throwing smart money at the small, furry, bears-like creatures (-11).

The Ducks find themselves at the bottom of the Pac-10 standings looking up at Oregon State, a team that set a record last season by losing all 18 of its Pac-10 games. A feat the Ducks don’t want to match.  Michelle Obama’s other brother is not walking through that door.

What’s the problem? Leadership. The Ewoks have it and the Ducks don’t.

If you’re going to attack a 50 foot tall tank with giant lasers and thick armor you need a guy drawing up plays that you can believe in. Ewok chief Chirpa breaks it down like this, “Wrowrack? sreptich brealjak brmj Wrowrack. Fewgral nomlack nrtecth.” Which translates to something close to “Playoffs? Don’t talk to me about the fucking playoffs. Those muthafucking things are huge and terrifying. They have shells and breath fire. All I’ve got is a sharp stick. I told those guys to tie a log to a rope, but it’ll never work.” At the end of the day Chirpa is still a better leader, with better ideas on how to beat a matchup zone, than Ernie Kent.

Although “Head Coach” Ernie Kent doesn’t seem too worried, “I thought we would have more (victories) underneath our belt,” said Kent, in his 12th season. “But at the same time, teams are gonna come at their own pace. My job is to make sure they come…” Spoken like a man truly unconcerned about a $900 contract buyout at a school who spends $200 million on arenas like Stanford accepts ugly girls.

John McEnroe: “Nine-tenths of the girls in California are good-looking. The other 10th go to Stanford.”

Zinger.

“I don’t see any reason why he wouldn’t be (back),” athletic director Pat Kilkenny said Wednesday while sitting at his Gourmet Club, an exclusive organization that hosts endangered-species feasts. The privilege of eating the last of a species goes for a mere $1 million per plate.*

Sure, its a young team. Six scholarship freshmen are on the roster, Dunigan and guard Garrett Sim (9.2 ppg) have been regulars in the starting lineup. Guard Matthew Humphrey (3.6 ppg) has started four games and forward Josh Crittle (2.4 ppg 2.9 rpg) has been Dunigan’s backup at the post. Also, forward Drew Wiley and guard Teondre Williams have seen limited playing time while a crack team of grad students in the UO Department of Etymology researches what “Teondre” means.

We can talk all day about the problems with this team. The important question is; how to fix it.

Our answer; tie a rope across the court in Maples Pavillion. When the Stanford team trips on it and falls to the court, we need to hit those guys with everything we have. Rocks, sticks, logs, Wookies. Everything. Its the only way to hold them off long enough to get the shield down.

Or, we can lobby the NCAA to restrict membership to 26 schools and only allow short, clean-cut white guys to play. It worked for the 1939 National Champions Oregon Tall Firs.

* (Ed. Note:  Allegedly.)