Jul 02, 2009

The Golf Handicap: Organized Cheating at Its Finest

I recently re-established my golf handicap this season.  The process has always been a flaky one for me.  Nevertheless, a handful of scores later, I acquired a number that is supposed to be the average amount I shoot over par in a given 18-hole round.  As I logged into my state golf association website, I was able to view all the rules and by-laws regarding the establishment of said handicap.  In big letters read, “A SCORE IS NOT ELGIBLE IF THE PLAYER PLAYS WITH NON-REGULATION CLUBS OR BALLS.”  That’s the warning that gets the top billing?  THAT’s what the association is worried about?  That I might pull a Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack and nail a 30-footer for birdie using an Albert Einstein-designed putter?  (…more…)

Written by Hoopty Rolla in: A Measured Opinion | Tags:
Jun 09, 2009

Birdman Still Flying (On His X-Box)


Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

One casual acquaintance of Andersen, who wished to remain anonymous, said the Birdman’s been focusing his off-season efforts into taking the Denver Nuggets to the NBA title on his X-Box 360 version of NBA Live 2009.

“He was really devastated by the loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, so I think this is a bit of redemption for him.”

“He’s really been logging some hours.  I think the virtual Birdman’s been averaging a triple double during the playoffs.”

“It’s pretty impressive actually.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

May 21, 2009

Lady Forli Makes Larry King a Lot of Money, Except She Didn’t


I’ll preface this by saying I love Larry “freaking” King.  And I enjoyed his excerpted yarn about winning $8,000 bucks at the track back in 1971.

And I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he did actually win at the track, even though the filly he says he bet big on never actually won a race.

Well, until it turned out the filly wasn’t alive in 1971 and Calder, the track he was supposedly at, didn’t offer trifecta wagering in 1971.

Ah, who am I kidding. This is just an excuse to show Larry King dancing.  You’re welcome.

Written by Ghost of Rutherford Hayes in: Bravo, The Weird Go Pro | Tags: ,
May 15, 2009

Obviously, You’re Not a Golfer


I’m no rocket scientist, but it seems like it would be common sense for the gallery to stand *behind* any non-golf, sports star who’s about to tee off in a celebrity or pro-am tournament.

Especially one who has a well documented history of being as poor a golfer as Charles Barkley.

Especially if you’ve got your frickin’ kid with you.

(via Al and Big Lead)

Written by Ghost of Rutherford Hayes in: NBA, Videos | Tags: , ,
May 14, 2009

Lasorda’s Bevacqua Rant


Wally Backman’s masterful rant got me in the mood to dig up Tommy Lasorda’s eloquent response to the accusation that, as manager of the Dodgers, he was telling his pitchers to throw at various Padres.

NSFW due to profanity-laced wittiness.  Enjoy.

May 13, 2009

Fantastic Wally Backman Rant


(NSFW due to sublime use of profanity.)

Currently the manager for the South Georgia Peanuts, Backman is widely know for his days with the NY Mets.  Here’s his bio for those who can’t quite place him.

We missed f*cking megasigns.

(Via With Leather)

Written by Ghost of Rutherford Hayes in: A Measured Opinion, Funny Sports Quotes, MLB | Tags: ,
May 12, 2009

NFC North Defensive Backs Really, Really, Really Hope Favre Unretires


Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Written by News Grift in: Fake News from News Grift, NFL | Tags: , ,
May 08, 2009

Fans Impressed That Manny Ramirez Cared Enough to Take Performance Enhancing Drugs


Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Written by News Grift in: Fake News from News Grift | Tags: ,
Apr 24, 2009

NFL Drafts Beginning to Run Together for ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr.


Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Read more news satire at News Grift.

Written by News Grift in: Fake News from News Grift, NFL | Tags: , , ,
Apr 18, 2009

Cheerleading: the Vestigial Tail of Sports

Or, “Seriously, why are they still here?”


I would never want total amnesia. One benefit, however, would be a chance to revisit all the routine things we do and see every day and to pick out all the stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Take a basketball game, for instance…

I’m pretty sure the first thing I would question is who in the hell are these “cheerleaders” in the goofy school-colored uniforms that don’t resemble anything a female on this planet would ever wear (at least in this millennium)? How about the dudes grabbing their butts as they hoist them over their heads?…I guess I can partially make sense of that.


Written by Hoopty Rolla in: A Measured Opinion, College Hoops | Tags: , ,